Hi, I have problem with my fiancé, he has a lot of short temper and too much ego. He doesn’t have a future plan. I love him so much, but I am unhappy with his behavior. I want to change him as a cool person, what can I do?
Expert Advice –
Your concerns about your fiancé are understandable. Everybody gets angry, but out-of-control rage isn't good for anyone or those around. It's a very powerful feeling that can come up when you are hurt, frustrated, annoyed, or disappointed. You could help him get calmer by not trying to change him but help him cope up with it. We need to change our selves rather than trying to change others.
Are you using statements like, "you are always getting angry" or " you never understand"? You need to think about the goal. What do you want to achieve? Help him manage his anger or blame him for it? Focus on the goal and you will get your answer. Don't go on the attacking mode. Instead, think about what you want to accomplish.
Angry people tend to demand things, whether it's fairness, appreciation, agreement, or just the willingness to do things their way. Whenever you have a heated discussion, listen carefully and take your time before you respond. Think about what's behind his anger. In case he criticizes you don't retaliate. May be your partner feels neglected and unloved. Sometimes problems and responsibilities weigh a person down and make you angry. Give space to your fiancé. The point is to keep yourself calm. Breathing deeply helps too.
Listening can help improve communication and build the trust between both of you. Statements like," let me make sure I understand what you are saying" and then restate what you have perceived. Often such statements help clarify my misunderstanding and might help you “agree or disagree" without turning into a fight.
Sometimes there is more to anger: He might be having a hard time compromising. May be its hard for him to understand other people’s points of view, and even harder to concede a point? Sometimes people have trouble expressing emotions other than anger.
So you need to see what triggers his anger. Sometimes negative thinking triggers anger. Thoughts like, " no one respects me, I never get the credit" or "having a grid view of the way things should be or must be, assuming you know what someone else is thinking or feeling, blaming, when something goes wrong blaming others.
And for having no plans for the future, I think both of you should make a priority list as to what is important for both of you. Questions like the following could help:
- What isn’t working well at the moment?
- What do you think we should do first?
- What would be the most helpful thing that we could do now?
- What must we accomplish in the next 12 months? What would you like to focus on today?
- Jaswinder Grewal