Hello Sir/ma'am, I am a 21 year old boy and I want to tell you that since my childhood my parents were very discouraging, they always underestimated me. They always used to say that I can't do this or I can't do that. They never gave me responsible tasks. It was okay until I was a kid but I think they still doubt me. Whenever anyone says to me that 'I cant' I get really angry and impulsive. I always stay angry nowadays. My problem is that whenever I see my parents my confidence level automatically goes down. Kindly help me.
Expert Advice -
When parents discourage the child, it hits in the self-confidence of the child which develops stronger in the form of low self-esteem in the later phase of person’s life. Likewise, human brain is strongly suggestive and internalizes the suggestion given to them. For example: when a person is repeatedly discouraged and is told that he/ she is incapable, the person’s brain receives the information and starts showing similar behavior – the same might have happened to you.
This could be also the result of overprotection. When the parents think that their child might not handle the situation and do not give the responsibilities which in return makes the child vulnerable and incapable. Whatever may be the reason in your case, please also note that we as human are able to unlearn the things that we have learned in the past.
So don’t worry because you can again start to learn new things/ behavior as you like. When we get discouraged we lose our creativity, and then anger steps inside us. So I would suggest you to start with breathing exercise every morning and evening. Start with breathing in (long breathing in through nose). When you breath-in count 5 and hold for 2 seconds in your tummy; finally breathe-out (long breathing out from mouth) – count 7. This helps to reduce your anger.
Also, don’t hold grudges against your parents; it will only raise your anger. In order to raise your confidence level – start with your hobby. Start doing something that you enjoy and could achieve easily. Then slowly you could move towards the bigger goal. Give yourself positive affirmation, like, “I can do this, I can achieve this”. Once you achieve your goals, you will gradually gain your confidence and could even perform in front of your parents. It develops slowly, so do not rush and give enough time for yourself. If you still do not feel confident enough, take professional help; you can go for life skills/ social skills building workshop.
- Tara Adhikari